A good friendship is about support, trust, and mutual care.
But what happens when a friend only seems to show up when they need something?
If they only call you when they’re in crisis—never to celebrate your wins, check in, or just spend time together—it might be a sign that they’re using you.
The truth is: One-sided friendships can be emotionally exhausting.
Of course, we all go through tough times and need help, but real friendships aren’t built on constant take with no give.
If you’re starting to feel like an emotional dumping ground rather than a valued friend, it’s worth paying attention.
Here are eight unmistakable red flags that your so-called friend might not be a real one after all:
1) They only reach out when they need something
Friendships should be about more than just convenience. But if someone only calls or texts when they’re in crisis, it’s a clear sign that your relationship is one-sided.
Think about it: Do they ever check in on you just to see how you’re doing, do they make an effort to spend time together when they don’t need advice—a favor or emotional support, even—or do they disappear the moment their situation improves (only to return when the next problem arises)?
Real friends are there for each other through both the highs and lows.
If you’re always the one giving while they only show up when things go wrong, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
2) They don’t ask how I’m doing
I used to have a friend who would call me in tears at least once a month.
Every time, I’d drop everything to listen, offer advice, and be the shoulder they needed.
I genuinely cared about them and wanted to help.
But after a while, I realized something—during all those conversations, they never once asked how I was doing.
Not even a simple “How have you been?” before diving into their latest crisis.
At first, I brushed it off, telling myself they were just overwhelmed.
But as time went on, it became clear: Our friendship wasn’t really a friendship at all.
It was a one-way street where I played the role of therapist, and my own struggles were invisible.
That’s when I learned an important lesson—if someone never makes the effort to check in on you, they probably don’t value the relationship as much as you do.
3) They drain your energy
Some people leave you feeling uplifted and appreciated after a conversation.
Others leave you emotionally exhausted, like you’ve just run a marathon without moving an inch.
Constantly supporting someone through their problems—especially when they never return the favor—can take a real toll on your mental and emotional well-being.
Studies have shown that emotional exhaustion isn’t just in your head; it can lead to real stress, burnout, and even physical symptoms like headaches and fatigue.
Friendships should be a source of support, not something that leaves you feeling drained every time you interact.
4) They disappear when you need them
A real friendship goes both ways—you support each other through tough times.
Yet, if someone is always leaning on you for help yet vanishes the moment you need support, that’s a major red flag.
Think about the last time you were struggling: Did they check in? Offer a listening ear? Or did they suddenly get too busy, uninterested, or unresponsive?
True friends don’t just show up when it’s convenient for them.
They make an effort to be there, even when they have nothing to gain.
If you find yourself going through hard times alone while always showing up for them, it might be time to reconsider the balance in your friendship.
5) They make everything about them
I once tried opening up to a friend about something personal I was going through.
Before I could even finish my sentence, they interrupted—with a story about their struggles.
Somehow, my problem had instantly turned into a conversation about them.
At first, I didn’t think much of it—but then I started noticing a pattern.
Every time I shared something—good or bad—they’d quickly steer the conversation back to themselves.
My wins weren’t celebrated, my struggles weren’t acknowledged, and I often left our conversations feeling unheard.
Friendship should be a two-way street.
If someone constantly shifts the focus to themselves and never takes the time to truly listen, it’s a sign they don’t value the relationship as much as you do.
6) They give when it benefits them
It might seem like a good sign if a friend occasionally does something nice for you.
However, you must pay close attention: Are they giving out of genuine care, or is there always a hidden agenda?
Some people aren’t completely one-sided; they’ll offer help, favors, or even gifts—but only when it somehow benefits them in the long run.
Maybe they’re trying to make sure you’ll be there the next time they need something, or their generosity comes with strings attached, leaving you feeling like you owe them.
Real friendship isn’t transactional.
7) They don’t respect your boundaries
A healthy friendship includes mutual respect—not just for each other’s feelings, but also for personal boundaries.
If someone constantly pushes past your limits, ignores your needs, or makes you feel guilty for saying no, that’s a major red flag.
Maybe they expect you to drop everything whenever they call, even when you’ve made it clear you’re busy.
Or maybe they unload their problems onto you without considering whether you’re in the right headspace to handle it.
Whatever the case, a friend who truly values you will respect your limits instead of making you feel bad for having them.
You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own well-being to keep a friendship alive.
If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, it’s worth asking whether they really view you as a friend—or just as someone to lean on when it’s convenient for them.
8) You feel worse after talking to them
The most telling sign of all? Pay attention to how you feel after interacting with them.
Do you feel valued, supported, and appreciated, or do you feel drained, unimportant, or even used?
Friendships should add to your life, not take away from it.
If every conversation leaves you feeling worse instead of better, that’s all the clarity you need.
Real friends don’t make you feel alone
If you’ve read this far, you might be realizing that some of your friendships aren’t as balanced as they should be—and that’s not always an easy thing to accept.
But here’s the truth: Friendship isn’t about obligation.
It’s not about being there for someone only when they need you, while they disappear when you need them most.
A real friend makes you feel supported, valued, and seen—not like an emotional crutch or an afterthought.
The right people in your life won’t leave you feeling drained or unimportant.
They’ll show up for you just as much as you show up for them.
When you find those friendships, you’ll wonder why you ever settled for less!
