I used to think arguing was all about being the loudest, the sharpest, the one with the final word.
And let me tell you, that strategy? It’s not a great look.
Over time, I realized that arguments aren’t a war to win—they’re a conversation where emotions run high. And if you’re not careful, those emotions can take the wheel and drive you straight into a brick wall.
But there’s a better way, one that people with high emotional intelligence have figured out.
They argue differently—not to win, but to connect, to understand, and sometimes even to grow.
Curious? Let’s unpack the ten behaviors they bring to the table that turn heated moments into something more constructive.
1) They listen more than they speak
High emotional intelligence is often synonymous with effective listening.
Imagine you’re in a heated argument. It’s natural to focus on your next point, waiting for your chance to jump in and make it. But people with high emotional intelligence do things differently.
Instead of simply waiting for their turn to speak, they actually listen to what the other person is saying.
They pay attention to not just the words, but also the emotions behind those words.
They show empathy and understanding, even when they disagree.
2) They keep their emotions in check
We’ve all been there. An argument gets heated, words get thrown around, and before you know it, you’re more focused on your rising anger than the topic at hand.
I’ve been in this situation more times than I’d like to admit.
But I recall a specific argument with a close friend about a sensitive topic. I felt my temper beginning to rise and my palms starting to sweat.
But instead of letting my emotions take over, I took a deep breath and reminded myself to stay calm.
People with high emotional intelligence do this regularly. They don’t let their emotions dictate their reactions.
Instead, they manage their emotions, keeping them in check and preventing them from escalating the argument unnecessarily.
As difficult as it was for me to keep my emotions under control in that moment, it allowed the conversation to continue productively and our friendship was preserved intact.
It’s a lesson I’ve carried with me ever since.
3) They use “I” statements
Using “I” statements is a communication technique that’s often recommended by psychologists.
It’s a simple switch from saying “You did this,” to “I felt this when you did that.” The aim is to avoid blame and reduce the other person’s defensiveness.
For example, instead of saying “You’re always late,” someone with high emotional intelligence might say, “I feel frustrated when I’m kept waiting.”
The focus shifts from blaming the other person to expressing how their actions affect you.
4) They ask clarifying questions
When arguments get heated, it’s easy to make assumptions or misinterpretations.
People with high emotional intelligence, however, tend to navigate this by asking clarifying questions.
Let’s say the other person makes a point that’s not entirely clear to you. Instead of assuming what they mean or jumping to conclusions, someone with high emotional intelligence would ask a question to ensure they understand correctly.
Questions like “Could you explain what you mean by that?” or “Can you give me an example?” not only show that you’re engaged and interested in understanding their perspective but also help avoid misunderstandings that could further escalate the argument.
5) They focus on the problem, not the person
This might sound obvious, but in the heat of an argument, it’s easy to get personal.
We’ve all been guilty of this at some point.
But people with high emotional intelligence refrain from personal attacks. They understand that focusing on the problem, not the person, is key to a constructive argument.
Instead of saying “You’re so careless,” they might say “This particular action caused a problem.”
This approach not only prevents the conversation from becoming a personal attack but also keeps the focus on finding a solution.
6) They’re not afraid to admit when they’re wrong
Admitting you’re wrong can be one of the hardest things to do, especially in an argument.
It feels like giving up, like losing. However, people with high emotional intelligence understand that it’s not a loss, but a gain.
They know that admitting when they’re wrong builds trust and opens up communication.
It shows humility and authenticity, and it gives the other person the validation they need to feel heard.
There’s a certain strength in vulnerability, in being able to say, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” And this strength is a hallmark of those with high emotional intelligence.
It doesn’t weaken their position but rather reinforces their integrity and commitment to a fair resolution.
7) They know when to pause
Arguments can easily spiral out of control, especially when emotions are high.
I’ve found myself in situations where the tension is thick, voices are raised, and it seems like there’s no end to the argument.
In such moments, people with high emotional intelligence know the value of taking a pause. They understand that continuing in a heightened state might lead to saying things they might regret later.
So they suggest a break, a moment to breathe, calm down, and come back to the discussion with a clearer head.
This pause isn’t an escape from the disagreement—it’s a chance for both sides to step back, regain composure, and return with clarity and understanding.
It’s a tactic I’ve used in my own life, and trust me, it makes a significant difference.
8) They show appreciation
Now, this might seem like an unusual behavior to exhibit during an argument. After all, arguments tend to focus more on disagreements than on appreciation.
But individuals with high emotional intelligence incorporate appreciation into their disagreements.
They recognize the value of the other person’s perspective and acknowledge this, even when they don’t agree.
Saying things like “I appreciate your viewpoint” or “I can see why you would feel that way” shows respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions.
This approach not only helps to de-escalate the argument, but it also fosters a sense of mutual respect and understanding, setting a more positive tone for the discussion.
9) They avoid absolutes
You’ve probably heard statements like “You always do this” or “You never listen to me” during an argument.
These absolute terms can heighten emotions and make the other person defensive.
People with high emotional intelligence avoid using these absolutes. They understand that they can make the other person feel attacked and can derail the argument from its original topic.
Instead, they focus on specific instances or behaviors without generalizing.
By addressing the issue without using absolute terms, they increase the chances of their message being heard and understood, leading to a more productive discussion.
10) They seek resolution, not victory
The ultimate goal for people with high emotional intelligence during an argument is not to “win,” but to reach a resolution.
They prioritize the relationship and mutual understanding over proving themselves right.
They’re more interested in finding common ground and maintaining harmony than in getting the upper hand.
This mindset shifts the dynamics of the argument from a battlefield to a platform for dialogue, fostering growth, understanding, and stronger connections.
Final thoughts
It means choosing to show up differently, even when things get messy.
And let’s face it—arguments are messy. They poke at our insecurities, test our patience, and sometimes leave us questioning if it was worth it at all.
But the magic of emotional intelligence is in the shift. It’s in pausing instead of shouting, listening instead of steamrolling, and aiming for resolution instead of keeping score.
It’s in showing up not just as someone who’s right but as someone who’s real.
So the next time you’re in an argument, ask yourself: “Am I here to connect or to conquer?” Because in the long run, the connections we nurture matter far more than the points we score.
And that, my friend, is where the real victory lies.
