Ever wondered why some people seem to exude confidence and assuredness while others struggle? Why do some people command a room while others shrink into the background?
For years, I was definitely more of a wallflower than a social butterfly. It seemed like no matter what I did, I just couldn’t shake off that feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt.
I spent countless hours reading psychology books and studies, trying to understand why I lacked the confidence that seemed so natural to others.
What I discovered was surprising: there were clear behaviors that signaled a lack of confidence and assuredness.
In this article, I’m going to share with you the 7 behaviors that might be holding you back from embracing your full potential, according to psychology.
Let’s dive in.
1. Over-apologizing
This was a big one for me. I found myself constantly saying “sorry” for the smallest things. If someone bumped into me, I would apologize. If I asked a question, I would apologize for bothering the person.
But here’s the thing: over-apologizing can signal a lack of confidence and assuredness. It implies that you’re constantly doing something wrong or that you’re not worth someone else’s time.
Psychology teaches us that this behavior can stem from a fear of conflict or rejection, or from a deep-seated belief that we’re somehow not valuable or important.
When I caught myself apologizing unnecessarily, I started to challenge myself. Was an apology really required in this situation? Did I do something wrong, or was I just trying to avoid potential conflict?
It wasn’t easy, but gradually, I started to break the habit. I began to realize that my thoughts, opinions and feelings were just as valid as anyone else’s.
If you also find yourself over-apologizing, try to catch yourself in the act. Ask yourself why you’re apologizing and whether it’s truly necessary. This self-awareness is the first step towards building more confidence and assuredness.
2. Avoiding eye contact
I remember going to a networking event a few years back. As I walked into the room, I felt my gaze drop to the floor. Even when I was talking to people, I found it hard to maintain eye contact. It felt uncomfortable, almost like I was intruding.
Turns out, avoiding eye contact is a classic sign of low self-confidence. It’s as if by not looking someone in the eye, we’re trying to make ourselves less noticeable, less significant.
Famed psychologist Amy Cuddy says, “Our bodies change our minds, and our minds can change our behavior, and our behavior can change our outcomes.”
When I read this quote, it hit me. By avoiding eye contact, I was perpetuating my own lack of confidence.
So I decided to change my behavior. The next time I found myself in a social setting, I made a conscious effort to maintain eye contact during conversations.
At first, it felt strange and uncomfortable. But over time, it got easier and more natural. And you know what? It did start to change my mindset. With this simple shift in behavior, I began to feel more confident and assured.
If you also struggle with maintaining eye contact, give this a try. Remember Amy Cuddy’s words and know that changing your behavior can indeed change your outcomes.
3. Fearing feedback
I used to dread performance reviews at work. I’d spend days worrying about what my boss might say, convinced that they were going to highlight all of my faults and failings.
In reality, this fear of feedback was signaling a lack of confidence in myself. I was so worried about criticism because I already believed I wasn’t good enough.
One day, I decided to change my perspective. Instead of seeing feedback as something to fear, I started viewing it as an opportunity to grow and improve.
I began actively seeking out feedback, even from those I knew wouldn’t sugarcoat their words. It was tough at first, hearing about areas where I could improve or mistakes I had made.
But the more feedback I got, the more I understood that it wasn’t a personal attack on me. It was about my work or my behavior, and those were things I could change and improve.
If you’re fearing feedback like I once did, try to shift your perspective. See feedback as a tool for growth, not as a personal attack on your worth or abilities. It’s a tough shift to make, but it can make a world of difference to your confidence levels.
4. Negative self-talk
I used to be my own worst critic. If I made a mistake, I’d beat myself up about it for days. “You’re so stupid,” “Why can’t you do anything right?” – these were the kind of thoughts that would loop in my head.
The thing is, this negative self-talk was doing me no favors. It was simply reinforcing my lack of confidence and assuredness.
A study by the University of Illinois published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology backs this up. They found that individuals who engaged in negative self-talk and had a pessimistic outlook were more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and depression.
When I discovered this, it was a wake-up call. I realized I needed to change the way I talked to myself.
I replaced the negative self-talk with positive affirmations and self-compassion. Instead of berating myself for mistakes, I’d remind myself that everyone makes mistakes and it’s part of the learning process.
This shift in mindset didn’t happen overnight, but over time, I noticed a significant improvement in my confidence and overall happiness.
If you find yourself trapped in a cycle of negative self-talk, remember the findings from the University of Illinois study. Your words have power, even when they’re only in your head. Try to replace them with more positive and compassionate thoughts.
5. Constantly seeking validation
In my earlier days, I was constantly seeking validation from others. Whether it was at work, in social settings or even in my personal relationships, I felt the need for others to affirm my worth.
And when I didn’t receive the praise or approval I was hoping for, it would send me spiralling into self-doubt and uncertainty.
What I came to realize was that this constant need for validation was a clear sign of my lack of confidence and assuredness. I was relying on others to determine my worth rather than finding it within myself.
So I decided to work on becoming more self-reliant. Instead of seeking external validation, I began to validate myself. I started acknowledging my own achievements, no matter how small, and gave myself credit where it was due.
This shift wasn’t easy and required a lot of conscious effort. But over time, it made a huge difference in how I perceived myself.
If you find yourself constantly seeking validation from others, remember that your worth is not determined by anyone else but you. Start giving yourself the credit you deserve and watch your confidence grow.
6. Avoiding risks
Back in the day, I was always the one to play it safe. I would avoid taking risks at all costs, sticking to what I knew and what felt comfortable. Whether it was in my career or personal life, the fear of failure had me firmly in its grip.
This avoidance of risks, I eventually realized, was a clear indicator of my lack of confidence and assuredness. I was so scared of failing that I wasn’t giving myself a chance to succeed.
Psychologist and author Dr. Susan Jeffers, famous for her book “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway,” once said, “The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.”
Inspired by these words, I started pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I took on projects at work that scared me, started hobbies that I had always been interested in but too afraid to try.
And you know what? Yes, sometimes I failed. But other times, I succeeded. And each time I took a risk, regardless of the outcome, it boosted my confidence.
If you’re like how I used to be and constantly avoiding risks due to fear of failure, remember Dr. Jeffers’ words. The only way to overcome fear is by facing it head-on. It might be scary at first, but taking risks is a surefire way to build confidence and assuredness.
7. Overcompensating
I used to think that if I could just be the loudest person in the room, the one who always had something to say, people would see me as confident. So I talked more, laughed louder, and always tried to be the center of attention.
But in reality, this overcompensation was a sign of my lack of genuine confidence and assuredness. I was trying so hard to appear confident that it was actually having the opposite effect.
Here’s the counterintuitive truth: real confidence doesn’t need to be loud. It’s not about dominating every conversation or always being the center of attention. It’s about being comfortable with who you are, and that includes your quieter moments.
So if you’re like I used to be and constantly overcompensating in an attempt to appear confident, try this: take a step back. Let others lead the conversation sometimes. Listen more than you talk. Not only will this likely make you more popular in social settings, but it’ll also help you develop a more authentic and lasting sense of self-confidence and assuredness.
Conclusion
Overcoming a lack of confidence and assuredness isn’t something that happens overnight. It requires a deep understanding of your behaviors and consistent effort to change them.
From my own experience, I can tell you that it’s a journey worth taking. As you start to recognize and work on these behaviors, you’ll see a noticeable shift in your self-confidence.
Remember, it’s okay to take small steps. Start with one behavior, work on it until you see improvement, then move on to the next. Every small victory will bring you closer to the confident, assured person you aspire to be.
And always remember, as American psychologist Abraham Maslow once said: “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Choose growth. Choose to step forward into a more confident and assured version of yourself.
